I had a healing session with a well known sound healer called Stewart Pearce a few weeks back which helped me unhook negative chords coming from my Twin. It also turned out he knows my Twin and has done for very many years, so it proved extremely helpful on different levels to have met him. Whilst I resonated with some of what he said, I noticed that I was picking up things from him too that didn't gel right to me, which I realised have also become relevant on this journey, although in this case I will wait to see what unfolds as to this particuar persons relevance to me in my life.
I figured as before if the Twin thing was indeed a mistake, it would unhook stuff and the whole thing would vanish from my life. And yet again, the opposite happened, it cleared the crap, and enhanced the connection, enabling me to feel more clearly what was going on and to better be able focus on what it was I needed to do next for myself. And the more time goes on the stronger the physical pull is getting for him. I cannot believe just how resistant I am to him still and am working hard to drop the barriers - it really isn't HIM - it is me thats having to do the work to just STOP fighting the connection and him. Nothing can or will change until something happens to force me to stop fighting him. Some times I wish he would just make it easy for me and just grab hold of me, tight and not let me go until all my fears and pain just vanish and melt away. Romantic notions I know, but I feel how I feel. I am so terrified of getting what I want, yet feel despondant too. Just about every emotion is hitting me in the face today and at the same time I have this feeling of complete and utter bliss and serenity building up - which is where I am putting my focus when I don't keep slipping back into "Blurgh" mode. Being whammied with this chest infection, into the 3rd week now isn't fun - even though I know it is part of the clearing process.
Last night I let myself indulge in Twin related activities and it built up such a feeling of love that was so tangible as I actively worked to surrender to it I was over come with awe and overwhelmed by how good it felt - I just wanted it so much to be physical. Then suddenly it all got "sucked" up and I felt really alone yet very awake and aware that I could feel another fellow Soul-mates energy around me, which I then discovered during that time he had contacted me, and also posted publically to me. I felt strongly my twin had seen this and it had triggered him. It really doesn't help me to know and feel him so strongly effected by what i do with no physical communication. I am aware, and I work to do what is right for me first but without intentionally hurting my Twin. At the same time though I am human and I have my own needs and if my twin isn't willing to be part of my life in a more real way, then I have to find other ways to look after myself and be happy without his input or feedback. I would love dearly for him to be in my life, I will always catergorically state this, that my feelings about him are just as they was when I first realised how I felt about him in 2009 - and it has only become more real and concrete as time goes on. Thats doesn't mean I won't go where my Soul takes me, even if it is away from him and the Twin Soul "stuff" for a while because - like a circle, we always come back to it, only the circles seem to be getting smaller now emotionally for me and I am at a place where doubt no longer resides about who he is to me and what I feel for him - I only lack the courage to see this through at the moment because I still have fears to face. If I thought running down the street naked was what was needed for me to be happy, or I had to kick his arse to see that I am not taking the piss or some sort of superficial hack looking for attention (although attention is nice but only if its wanted and positive!). I am not looking to play kiss-arse to his ego, nor be some-one to take advantage of his good nature. I am not seeking to wind him up or hurt him, to manipulate or get him to do anything he doesn't want to. I am certainly as genuine as I can be given the circumstances - even though I have doubted my own credibilty in the past because of all that comes with this path and connection. If I felt I wanted to be with someone else then I would be - and whilst I have loved other men, I haven't wanted to be with them and certainly it is NOT the love that comes with the twin connection, not even remotely close to it. Why the hell would I settle for a pebble when I want and have a diamond to experience the pleasure of? He is my bliss, my joy, my love and my life - this is an intrinsic truth that comes with the connection, even though I have tried to deny myself of this. How this manifests, and plays out may never be anything dramatic or major, but it is what I get from the experience and how I deal with it and tell my story that is the point here. Love is Love. And I want to share THAT love with the world, but I want firstly to live it and experience and explore it with my Twin. Preferably in this life time. But , que sera-sera and I will go with the winds of Love and where our Soul takes me.
I figured as before if the Twin thing was indeed a mistake, it would unhook stuff and the whole thing would vanish from my life. And yet again, the opposite happened, it cleared the crap, and enhanced the connection, enabling me to feel more clearly what was going on and to better be able focus on what it was I needed to do next for myself. And the more time goes on the stronger the physical pull is getting for him. I cannot believe just how resistant I am to him still and am working hard to drop the barriers - it really isn't HIM - it is me thats having to do the work to just STOP fighting the connection and him. Nothing can or will change until something happens to force me to stop fighting him. Some times I wish he would just make it easy for me and just grab hold of me, tight and not let me go until all my fears and pain just vanish and melt away. Romantic notions I know, but I feel how I feel. I am so terrified of getting what I want, yet feel despondant too. Just about every emotion is hitting me in the face today and at the same time I have this feeling of complete and utter bliss and serenity building up - which is where I am putting my focus when I don't keep slipping back into "Blurgh" mode. Being whammied with this chest infection, into the 3rd week now isn't fun - even though I know it is part of the clearing process.
Last night I let myself indulge in Twin related activities and it built up such a feeling of love that was so tangible as I actively worked to surrender to it I was over come with awe and overwhelmed by how good it felt - I just wanted it so much to be physical. Then suddenly it all got "sucked" up and I felt really alone yet very awake and aware that I could feel another fellow Soul-mates energy around me, which I then discovered during that time he had contacted me, and also posted publically to me. I felt strongly my twin had seen this and it had triggered him. It really doesn't help me to know and feel him so strongly effected by what i do with no physical communication. I am aware, and I work to do what is right for me first but without intentionally hurting my Twin. At the same time though I am human and I have my own needs and if my twin isn't willing to be part of my life in a more real way, then I have to find other ways to look after myself and be happy without his input or feedback. I would love dearly for him to be in my life, I will always catergorically state this, that my feelings about him are just as they was when I first realised how I felt about him in 2009 - and it has only become more real and concrete as time goes on. Thats doesn't mean I won't go where my Soul takes me, even if it is away from him and the Twin Soul "stuff" for a while because - like a circle, we always come back to it, only the circles seem to be getting smaller now emotionally for me and I am at a place where doubt no longer resides about who he is to me and what I feel for him - I only lack the courage to see this through at the moment because I still have fears to face. If I thought running down the street naked was what was needed for me to be happy, or I had to kick his arse to see that I am not taking the piss or some sort of superficial hack looking for attention (although attention is nice but only if its wanted and positive!). I am not looking to play kiss-arse to his ego, nor be some-one to take advantage of his good nature. I am not seeking to wind him up or hurt him, to manipulate or get him to do anything he doesn't want to. I am certainly as genuine as I can be given the circumstances - even though I have doubted my own credibilty in the past because of all that comes with this path and connection. If I felt I wanted to be with someone else then I would be - and whilst I have loved other men, I haven't wanted to be with them and certainly it is NOT the love that comes with the twin connection, not even remotely close to it. Why the hell would I settle for a pebble when I want and have a diamond to experience the pleasure of? He is my bliss, my joy, my love and my life - this is an intrinsic truth that comes with the connection, even though I have tried to deny myself of this. How this manifests, and plays out may never be anything dramatic or major, but it is what I get from the experience and how I deal with it and tell my story that is the point here. Love is Love. And I want to share THAT love with the world, but I want firstly to live it and experience and explore it with my Twin. Preferably in this life time. But , que sera-sera and I will go with the winds of Love and where our Soul takes me.
I always felt stupid talking about a lot of what happens to me - because of the backlash I have had, how crazy it sounds and I know it hasn't gone down to well with people around him - but, I am what I am, and who I am, and I can only BE who I am, regardless of what others think of me! I feel alot better about being who I am now though and more able to express my self and feel OK about doing it. After all, this is my story and my life - who else is going to live it and tell the tale? :)
